Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
