I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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