yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
