just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
