I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
