So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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