you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
