My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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