Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
