Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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