My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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