The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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