i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
