so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
A bitchslap is in order.
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