I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.