Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
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Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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