I'm gonna have a badass scar
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
