You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
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WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
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I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.