weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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