i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
