Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
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Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
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Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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