an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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