hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
