Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
