Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
