I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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