My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
