I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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