Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize