I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
