Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
