Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Who died my cat blue again?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
