A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
