Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
