He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
