Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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