i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
How external is "for external use only"?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
