Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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