Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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