So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
