mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
