just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
