I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
It's just like the Real World with babies
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
