someone get that fucking seahorse.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
false alarm, still single
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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