having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Randomize
