My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
