i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
