what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
