Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
