Do you still have your period?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
