you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
