i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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