Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
