Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
