Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
