Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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