I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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