Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
