One girl and one boy is just not enough.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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